A small sample of nature's latest assault on my well being. Nature took a dislike to me at an early age; I've been pecked by hens, chased by geese, almost murdered by a feral Rottweiler (slavering twin of the Hound of the Baskervilles, or so my seven year old badly shocked self thought), attacked by a seagull, (definitely not funny), and the latest... stalked by cows. Yes, cows. There's nothing funny about that either! Animals sense that as a vegetarian I am nothing less than a woebegone doormat to be trampled/chewed/pecked all over, and I've learned the lesson. The only motive for strolling across cow infested fields (on a public footpath I'll have you know) was to try to get fit.
I've seen the error of my ways now, and why people pay so much for the gym. Though in the case of this walk I was so busy grumbling to myself about life in general that I didn't actually notice the huge sleekit beasties. Nothing makes you want to enjoy life (and eat that slice of cake) like the sudden prospect of death by looming cow.
Cows seem inoffensive when you're whizzing past them on a train, after all their only job in life is to mill in a field, chew the cud, sleep; they live to be milked, to be shoes, or jackets or beef. But when there's a herd of the buggers staring right at you with their cold, fathomless, unblinking eyes, stalking towards you on hooves the size of dinner plates, and setting a brisk old pace (cutting off escape) oh boy, they take on a menacing air. I tried being nonchalant, blanking them from my existence as a hardened soul blanks Big Issue sellers, I tried chatting to them in a friendly way, hoping they'd think I was off my head and certainly not worth trampling, but no, it only lured them closer. Lucky plan C, executed with aplomb, was to nervously glance around and walk quickly.... And of course I live to tell the tale.
Thank god for that most cunning of human technological breakthroughs - the fence! It's what separates us from the animals.
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