St Skeletor's Day

Back in 1998 when nervous breakdowns, hair dye, jazz, bloody men and chip stinking seaside towns were still to come in my life, Richard Herring came up with labling February 15th St Skeletor's Day: the anti-Valentine's, headed by a figure who epitomises evilness and the destruction of love (it's about 3 minutes into the youtube video).

Good.

It's not that I'm bitter, it's not that I dislike couples, especially happy ones, or happiness in general, or in fact any and all aspects of life that isn't fermented in barrels (well, maybe it is), but I do hate Valentine's Day. Waste of time, money and just an excuse to have stupid stuffed toys, heart shaped (if you're lucky) balloons, unattractive black and red underwear, not to mention fluffy handcuffs, all bandied from every shop window. Even charity shops, which apparently have no shame these days.... despite being run by little old ladies in floral dresses and knee socks. Very dark.

All across the world people live in misery and poverty; there's starvation, war, misery (more misery), prejudice, hatred and greed, and what do we do? Couples give themselves a nice pat on the back and feel fuzzy smug self congratulation. Most of the time this Carpenter song-like bliss is less about a deep and mutual attraction and more a thankful realisation that there is someone else who can share the responsibility of taking out the bins, chopping onions or unblocking the shower. Valentine's is after all the only day that you have to say thanks for being put up with. It's so caring, thoughtful and charming.

That doesn't cut it for St Skeletor; he doesn't have hair so his shower doesn't get blocked, he has many slaves (who he beats) so he doesn't need to make someone love him for the bins to go away. Being part skeleton he probably doesn't eat much, and all his calcium needs are met by a pestilential milkman. He even smashed the stereo with that ram headed staff of his when "It Had to Be You" came on, and regularly burns DVDs of 'When Harry Met Sally' as a recreational pastime. As Rich reminds us; Skeletor is so evil the only love interest in his life was a woman as diabolical as himself, hence her name; 'Evil Lynn' - and to be fair he didn't seem very keen on her.

So don't make St Skeletor Cards, if you do put some effort into making them equisit and then burn them in front of the potential recipient. Put on your ratty grey underwear safe in the knowledge that no-one is going to see it anyway. If you must buy chocolate hearts do so only to watch them melt into a lake of calorie riddled gloop that'll only make you feel guilty after you eat it. Oh, and wear capes with hoods so you can glare menacingly at happy couples as they stroll hand in hand clogging up pavements. It needs to be a cape though, or else your powerful social statement will be lost amongst the typical hoodie delinquency.

As for me, well, I'm going to the cinema to watch Casablanca on Valentine's Day; but I won't enjoy it, and at the end I'll be muttering loudly that Rick was better off without that heartless bitch.